well, it's been a while.

but then, I haven't been around.  busyiest (and, I think, the best, which is quite possibly true because this is the first time I've enjoyed a summer enough to think it was the best) summer of my life.

so...i've gone counseling at camp (hope I don't freak them out when they find out I'm gay), on a mission trip (that should be safer), to kentucky with my relatives (who will FREAK), counseling again, on a cruise (def. hot guys, but no conversation--literally, except for two boys who a. were too young and b. needed fashion and hair-cut advice.  other than that, literally the only conversation I had was with my family.  oh wait, I talked to like three way-the-hell-old guys who were downright unsexy), and just got back from registration/orientation at college. hey kids, i'm taking an 'individual excersize' class and hoping that means an individualized workout!  like, i might be getting in shape, and accordly become sexy!  that would be fun.  and i'm taking russian.  wanted to take spanish, too, but no room in my schedule.  oh yeah, my earliest clas is 9 am.  which is too bad, actually, because i wanted them to all be finished by lunch, but that didn't happen.  the only russian I class doesn't start until 12 anyhow.

some cute guys, and some openly gay guys, and the groups don't seem to correlate.  there's a whopping one hot guy who's gay, and he's kinda two years my senior--in school years.  since i'm kinda young for my grade, he could easily be three or four years up, and already interested in his current peer group/friends group.  to judge by facebook, we're not taking ANY of the same classes, dunno what residence hall he's in, etc.  so that about covers the dating scene.  fun stuff, which always seems to come my way.

looking forward to coming out, kinda.  have been for a while.  no, i'm not excited, never really have been.  excitement isn't really a part of the palette of emotions i do a lot.  admittedly, i was excited for a few minutes today, an extremely rare occurrance.  it was during my schedule formation.  kinda cool to feel that emotion every once in a while, but definitely best not to overdo it.  back to the coming out part: i'm not really at all uneasy about going to college, not worried, but i am a little about coming out.  not a whole lot, not as much as like really freaking out worried is, but i'm a little unsure.  a little nervous.  don't even know why, i'm sure i'll make friends and stuff, although admittedly i sure didn't make a whole lot at the orientation session (new friend count: 0).  and i definitely don't want to go loner again, that's never fun.

oh and i hope there's a church in that area i could go to that's half-way decent.  i love my current church, and i'm seriously going to be unhappy if there's nothing like that.

who knows.  what the future holds.  other than God, i mean.

Gradyation

Ah.  I have graduated.  Not a big deal for me, but I get presents.  Cool in an uber-materialistic way. 

I've been bored, and not in the mood for talking to girls, so I've been browsing chadzboyz.  There's some new galleries from when I last looked.  And some of those guys are hot.  Some just have poses I want to model.  But that's me.  Lol and I'm going to college in Dallas, the biggest modeling/theatrical center in Texas I'm aware of.  Now, if only I had a chance...

I seriously am going to try out for plays in college.  Right after I get an earring, get my body waxed, an find another guy who would actually enjoying doing it with me (modeling, gutter-brains).

I'm probably going to confuse and piss the hell out of any guy I try to date.  I'll want to flirt all the time, but I'm definitely not ready to have sex.  I don't see how any other guy I might meet would feel the same way, actually, without being as hardcore Christian as me, and since I'm the only Christian I know who....I dunno, is way different....then he'd feel awkward and uncomfortable even flirting and making physical contact.  So I don't know how it will go.

Yes, yes, I might be ready by the time I actually get to college.  Here, let me help you with that: no.  I won't.  I won't even begin the process to 'getting ready' until I'm faced with it as a possibility, so fear not, I won't be ready.

I kind of wish I was out for a great number of reasons, but here's one that drives me nuts: I'm sick of girls flirting w/me.  I mean, it's cool that they think I'm hot (how come no guys do?  aaahhhh!) and, as it happens, I'm either egomaniacal enough or self-confident enough to agree, but flirting with them....gets old.  Actually, I guess it's not flirting (oh, a heavy blow to my ego) so much as it is just talking with them.  That's ok and all...nice to be able to chat....but how come guys don't do that?  It would be nice to chat with some guys for a while.  There's one guy I talk to a lot, and he's amazing and my best friend, but he's the island in my life of drama-prone girls.  And drama-prone girls aren't the sea I want to drown in.  <<<--- Now that sounded emo, but it was actually meant as a joke.

I kind of want to curse my father for my genetics (they're straight from him).  I have a short, stocky, wrestler build.  Benefits: I'm insanely strong, most guys feel I can beat them up (and I feel I can beat most guys up) so when I come out that'll be cool, I don't really work out and yet am still somewhat muscular, and....my no. 1 favorite....I'm short.  Drawbacks: I have a wide body--not front to back, but side to side.  Muscular wide, but I'll always be stocky never just small, which in my opinion is so much hotter.  I can work out, and work off the extra 3 lbs of fat I have on my stomach, but then I'll get muscular/buff.  And I don't like the whole massive muscle array that my body type allows for.  I'd much, much rather be capable of working out to get a torso like this.  And my hips are, like, huge.  I definitely have a big butt.  Muscular, but still a lot to grasp there.  It's another wrestler thing.  And I like the slimmer butt look.  In this picture, I have like the thigh structure of the guy on the far left, but envy (so much!) the guy on the right in front.  Basically, I envy the guy in the first pic too for the same reason.  Slimness is hot.  And, I'm very very very afraid, unworkable with my body type.  Hence my resentment against my genes.  Oh, and if any kind of body-trainer is reading this and maybe knows a way to work different muscles and hopefully get the lean rather than muscular look, PLEASE let me know.  At least I'm short though.  Oh, another thing about my genetics?  I'm hairier than some monkeys I've seen.  Hence my desire to get my body waxed.  Uber-testerone, in a wrestler way.  But hey, that's life. 

God....thank you SOOOO much for making me insanely smart!  you're AMAZING!!!!

I love it!  Oh yeah baby! 

"As of 2005, of the 1.3 million entrants, about 50,000 qualify for recognition. Two-thirds of those qualified receive letters of commendation; the remainder become semifinalists, most of whom go on to become finalists. Over half of the finalists go on to receive scholarships sponsored by colleges or corporations.

. . .

The first category of recognition is Commended Scholars; it comprises about 34,000 of the top 50,000 students. Commended Scholars do not continue in the competition and do not receive scholarships from NMSC. The rest of the top 50,000 scorers are designated National Merit Semifinalists, and continue in the competition. This group numbers around 16,000, though designations factor in equitable state representation. Therefore, each state has different cutoff scores. California's cutoff score for 2004 tests was 217 out of a possible 240 points. Maryland's cutoff score was 220 out of a possible 240 points.

Approximately 15,000 of the 16,000 Semifinalists advance to Finalist standings, based on the submission of SAT scores and an application. The application includes high school courses and grades, extracurricular and volunteer activities, a recommendation from the principal, and a 500-word Personal Statement. The personal information provided is used later in the process to determine the award of scholarships to Finalists; the mere submission of required materials is generally enough to advance to Finalist standing. Generally, Semifinalists who fail to advance to Finalist standing do so because they failed to submit the application, have improper credentials (e.g. a large discrepancy between PSAT and SAT scores), or are convicted felons.

For the 15,000 Finalists, there will be about 8,200 merit awards: about 2,500 finalists receive a $2,500 National Merit Scholarship from the NMSC for use at a college or university in the United States; these winners are awarded on a state-by-state basis. There are 4,600 scholarships awarded by colleges which the recipients have reported to NMSC as their first choice ("College-Sponsored Merit Awards"). Around another 2,700 scholarships are awarded to Finalists by corporate sponsors, who often have additional qualification criteria- usually that the Finalist is the son, daughter, or other close relative (e.g. niece or nephew) of an employee of the sponsor."
--wikipedia.com

Totally top 2,500!  This rocks!  I LOVE being smart!  Thanks God!

Lol part of the gift of intelligence was even making me smart enough to really pray about this (sadly, I don't about many other things as much as I should) so it's definitely all totally God that I got there at all--217, which is the bare minimum to get to the Semifinalist in Texas as well as California (or was the year I took it).  See? Anarchism isn't dead.

Lol this is so unGodly.  I'm totally bragging.  At least I'm acknowledging that all the credit goes to God.  Even doing that, though, it's completely fun!  Ah, pride is so my most-comitted sin.

Want to know how much of a freak I am?  I just calculated: I'm in the top .192% of PSAT takers.

Currently Listening I Write Sins Not Tragedies By Panic at the Disco see related

My poor web blog (No. 4).  It's so neglected!

Yes, it's No. 4 now.  I gave in to peer pressure (you need a myspace! you need a myspace! get a myspace!) and actually built one.  Gah.  It turns out even my amazing powers of contempt are like nothing when the people I actually like actually want to have a method of communicating with me.

Imagine that.  Turns out I'm social after all.

Can't really even remember what my last blog was--a survey, but that doesn't count.  Dunno what I blogged about before that.  Anyhow, a lot and nothing has been happening at the same time.

The play was performed; that was kinda cool, and since I'm a senior and I'm leaving I got a little gift at the end (this cool little James Avery necklace pendant, which totally meant my mom had to get me a James Avery chain because it had to be good enough for the pendant, so we bought a cool chain that cost a ton).  The play itself went well, and I delivered my four lines without flaw (whoopie!).  Wearing makeup was as annoying as always, don't think I'll ever understand cross-dressers (besides, as a gay, I know I'm sure not attracted to guys who look like women, and I want to look like a hot guy, not a hot woman, and it's fun to dress up but to do so so as to appear a guy, not a woman, so I don't really get the point).

Nice big spiritual event this weekend (and last weekend, but that was an historic event, whereas this was just something our diocese does, a camp thing).  So that was pretty awesome.

Thanks to Frosty for actually showing interest and making me remember this thing.